RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone