I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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