Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
