I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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