I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
