My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
