do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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