It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
