So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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