Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
