I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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