I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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