you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
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