i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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