Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
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