hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
