Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
