Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
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hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
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after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
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