You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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