I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
