I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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