dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
