If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
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