I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
