please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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