marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
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