I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
