i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
