So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
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