i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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