i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
The air taste purple.
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