I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
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