Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
he high fived his dick after we had sex
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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