I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
