Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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