I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
