I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
