woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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