The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
