I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
