I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
