I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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