I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
