I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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