I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
where are my eyebrows?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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