so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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