I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
