If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
