can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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