We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Randomize
