dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
