plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Someone came in the potted fern
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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