Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
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