apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
