I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
