cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
