Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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