I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
