Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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