My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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