So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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