the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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