I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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